Category: Poetry

But what if you don’t have any sugar? What if you’ve had to make lemonade so, so, so many times that you’ve run out of it? What if you’re tired of always having to add sugar? Just for once, can some sugar come with the lemons?

As I wrote that, I remembered the one time that it did. When you get a rejection for a job that compliments you, that is the epitome of getting lemons with sugar. It encourages you to make lemonade because something will come where you won’t have to.

Maybe I’m forcing myself to receive lemons. Maybe I’m not good enough to receive anything but.

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A friend had a dream telling her good things were coming for me & hubby just to keep going. God sees us.

I hope she’s right. I’m tired of the pucker. A little sugar with the lemons would be reassuring.

I am trying. I feel
it’s important for everyone to know
that before they judge or
assume or
guess I’m not. IF
they even think that long about me.
I shouldn’t care either way
but I’m not there
yet.
I am trying.

This health thing has me scared and confused
and scared and anxious
and scared and unsure
and scared.
Did I say scared?
I am trying to care more but
why find out a negative when ignorance is bliss and I can be happy
I can be content
I can live with this without wondering and waiting for the bad.
Although I already am.
The doctors scared me away from wanting the whole truth.
The lack of help makes me not want the truth.
I question my strength if I am able to cope with the truth.
My family history scares me away from the truth
but my grandmother’s fate doesn’t have to be mine
science has evolved a lot since her time
and my PCP is encouraging because “new things are always being developed.”
I am trying.

I quit for my health and at first, it was worth it
but now I question my decision.
I have
I did have
a much better mental state and tension headaches stopped
but
now my savings is smaller and my checking is not worth mentioning
and I’ve applied for so SO many jobs that I keep seeing the same ones on repeat now.
It’s hard to keep your head up or any confidence when you keep getting non-responses.
I keep going and trying for us because we have a future planned and
there are so many wants and goals but it feels so impossible though
a blessing called and said God sees you just keep going and focusing on yall and
it will come together, I dreamt it. It helped,
it helps but it’s hard.
I am trying.

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Refocusing on me and growth and self-love and love and self- acceptance and
everything and too much and not enough and
focusing, prioritizing.
It is a slow, patience-necessary process that I wished moved
faster, efficiently, swiftly, smartly, and consumed all of me at once
so I’d be better with me and done with this whole thing.
But slower is better, I see my mental state changing,
although the anxiety is never leaving,

I am trying.